I suck at keeping up with this blog. It seems like at the end of the day I barely have enough energy to brush my teeth, let alone come up with an interesting, witty account of my daily activities. Someimtes I feel like I must just be lazy. Thousands of moms do what I do everyday - commute to & from work, work a full day, make dinner, take care of the kids, etc. But they make it look so easy. How come I struggle? How come there are some nights where it takes everything in me to read books and say prayers with my son?
Sometimes I blame it on my craziness. The anxiety, the depression, the ocd. Maybe its the unrealistic expectation I set of myself to be perfect in everything I do. I literally cannot let myself fail. If I come close to failing, my axiety spikes, my brain attacks itself and I shut down.
Most people don't understand mental illness. Its not really taken seriously.
You're depressed? Oh just get over it! Smile! Life is good.
Your nervous? What are you nervous about? Don't be nervous - everything will work out. It will be ok.
Why are you obsessing over this or that? Just get over it already! I'm so sick of hearing about it.
In reality, some of us can't get happy, or get over it. We can't move on.
I'm one of those people. I'm coming out of the closet with this, if you will. I can no longer pretend it doesn't exist. I can no longer brush it under the rug and ignore it. This is more than PPD. This is not a bubble that will burst and life will be sunny again. This is something I will struggle with my entire life.
So in an attempt to deal with this new revelation in an adult-like manner, I plan to whine about it. This blog will now be my outlet. Hopefully by putting my thoughts and feelings out for the world to see I will somehow release a bit of the struggle and maybe even realize I'm not alone or crazy at all.
Wishing you peace and self acceptance.
Love,
E
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I'm right there with ya, girl! I had to come to grips several years ago, that I would probably never be the same again. I've had to learn to accept this new "me" but it's not always easy.
ReplyDeleteErin I completely feel the same way about the failure, OCD and depression. I am like, OCD about not failing. But just remember, you're not alone :) As I have grown up and gotten to know you more on the same level rather than feeling like I am so many behind you because of the age difference, I have seen that we are very much alike. :) I fight the same "life is good why not just smile?" battle every day. But I will say, that I am happy to know these things about you because then I don't feel so alone and misunderstood by the ones who are the closest to me. Depression is something that no one can ever relate to until you've been through it. Love you big sis :)
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