Ah yes, the G word. How you rule my life you bastard. Today I am feeling guilty because I think poor Owen spends too much time at daycare and that they are raising him, not me and Andrew. Literally, he spends at least 9 hours per day at day care 5 days a week so thats 45 hours per week. Take away the time he spends sleeping and we have about 1.5 hours with him in the evening (1.5*5=7.5 hours) plus our weekend time (12 hours per day about *2 = 24 hours) 24 + 7.5= 31.5 hours. Thats 13.5 hours less than daycare!!!
So when he does stuff like use manners or pee in the potty, I can't help but think "daycare taught him that, not me" and it makes me kinda sad. There are days where I love that he's in daycare - interacting with other kids, learning spanish and japanese, doing art projects, etc. Things that he wouldn't get if he was home all day with me. But still, my kid is awesome because of the awesome daycare he goes to, not me....and that makes me sad and feel incredibly guilty.
Love,
E
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Happy Valentines Day Cont.
So, where was I? Ah, yes Junior year memories.
I was telling Andrew earlier how I was reminiscing about the snowstorm and he reminded me that we either drove or walked uptown during that storm to have breakfast uptown and it was like deserted. That whole weekend was amazing - we didn't have to worry about missing work or shoveling driveways. We didn't have to worry about having enough diapers in the house or letting the dog out in the cold. We could literally just curl up under blankets for HOURS without moving and no one would care. *sigh*
That year, we decided to go to Destin for spring break. Other friends were going any place there would be a good party but a group of us really just wanted to relax over break and not worry about having to party 24/7. Plus, Sarath needed to study for the M-Cat. So we rented a cool little condo in Destin and 8 of us spent a week on the beach. It was Me and Andrew, our friends Sarath and Betsy, Betsy's sister and her boyfriend, Chris, and our friend Samantha. We got up way early in the morning, packed up two cars full of our stuff and drove the 12+ hours to Destin. This is one of the first times I remember really feeling like an "adult". This was really the first vacation I had ever taken without my parents and it was up to us to figure out directions to the condo, to get around Destin and, the most frustrating part - pay ing for own dinners out LOL The trip ended up being positive and negative - some friendships never returned to normal after but it was Andrew and I's first vacation together and for that reason alone, it holds a special place in my heart :)
Junior year ended and we both moved home for the summer. Andrew was working for Marysville Parks Department and spent the summer mowing lawns, mulching and getting extremely tan and buff. Hmmmmmm yum. I spent the summer working orientation, then nannying, and finally taking on an internship at the Cincinnati Business Courier. Let me share with you one of the scariest moments during the summer.
It was sometime in June and I had been trying to get ahold of Andrew all evening. He finally called me only to tell me that he had been taken to the hospital! He had been up late the night before playing video games (of course!) and was exhausted during work that day. He had plans to meet up with his parents for dinner that night but was so tired that he decided to stop by the gas station and get a couple caffeine pills during the afternoon. He headed home from work, took a shower, and started to drive to meet his parents. He hadn't been feeling real well since taking the pills - his heart was racing and he was feeling neausous, dizzy and just overall, awful. He ended up having to pull over during his drive and call 911 because he felt like he was going to die. They took him to the hospital and told him that he his heart was racing so fast and if it had gone any further, he would have had heart damage! I was so worried about him and he was almost 3 hours away! A couple days later, I was home and again, try to get ahold of Andrew. I had called his cell phone about a million times and even called his house a million times with no answer. His parents had gone out of town and I immediately had these horrible images of him laying on the floor mid heart-attack with no one there to help him. So, I, like an loving significant other would do, called the cops. LOL Yes, I called the cops and asked that they drive over to my boyfriends house because his parents were out of town and he had been hospitalized a couple days before and I was trying to get ahold of him and was worried. And you know what, like any good small-town police department - they went to the house! Andrew was there and in good health, but completely caught off guard and the police showed up! Everything was fine but Andrew made me feel so bad for calling the cops! He didn't understand how worried I was! I guess he had been at a friends playing video games and his phone was on silent which is why he didn't get my calls. I tried to explain over and over again that I did it because I was worried about his health but he still didn't seem to get it. We ended up getting a big fight that night and both went to bed angry. The next night, he showed up at my house dressed in a suit, carrying 2 dozen roses as an apology for getting so upset. He finally realized that I had only done it because I had been so worried and that he was wrong for getting mad. I like it when he admits he's wrong :)
My husband would now like me to make him carbonaro so to be continued...
Love,
E
I was telling Andrew earlier how I was reminiscing about the snowstorm and he reminded me that we either drove or walked uptown during that storm to have breakfast uptown and it was like deserted. That whole weekend was amazing - we didn't have to worry about missing work or shoveling driveways. We didn't have to worry about having enough diapers in the house or letting the dog out in the cold. We could literally just curl up under blankets for HOURS without moving and no one would care. *sigh*
That year, we decided to go to Destin for spring break. Other friends were going any place there would be a good party but a group of us really just wanted to relax over break and not worry about having to party 24/7. Plus, Sarath needed to study for the M-Cat. So we rented a cool little condo in Destin and 8 of us spent a week on the beach. It was Me and Andrew, our friends Sarath and Betsy, Betsy's sister and her boyfriend, Chris, and our friend Samantha. We got up way early in the morning, packed up two cars full of our stuff and drove the 12+ hours to Destin. This is one of the first times I remember really feeling like an "adult". This was really the first vacation I had ever taken without my parents and it was up to us to figure out directions to the condo, to get around Destin and, the most frustrating part - pay ing for own dinners out LOL The trip ended up being positive and negative - some friendships never returned to normal after but it was Andrew and I's first vacation together and for that reason alone, it holds a special place in my heart :)
Junior year ended and we both moved home for the summer. Andrew was working for Marysville Parks Department and spent the summer mowing lawns, mulching and getting extremely tan and buff. Hmmmmmm yum. I spent the summer working orientation, then nannying, and finally taking on an internship at the Cincinnati Business Courier. Let me share with you one of the scariest moments during the summer.
It was sometime in June and I had been trying to get ahold of Andrew all evening. He finally called me only to tell me that he had been taken to the hospital! He had been up late the night before playing video games (of course!) and was exhausted during work that day. He had plans to meet up with his parents for dinner that night but was so tired that he decided to stop by the gas station and get a couple caffeine pills during the afternoon. He headed home from work, took a shower, and started to drive to meet his parents. He hadn't been feeling real well since taking the pills - his heart was racing and he was feeling neausous, dizzy and just overall, awful. He ended up having to pull over during his drive and call 911 because he felt like he was going to die. They took him to the hospital and told him that he his heart was racing so fast and if it had gone any further, he would have had heart damage! I was so worried about him and he was almost 3 hours away! A couple days later, I was home and again, try to get ahold of Andrew. I had called his cell phone about a million times and even called his house a million times with no answer. His parents had gone out of town and I immediately had these horrible images of him laying on the floor mid heart-attack with no one there to help him. So, I, like an loving significant other would do, called the cops. LOL Yes, I called the cops and asked that they drive over to my boyfriends house because his parents were out of town and he had been hospitalized a couple days before and I was trying to get ahold of him and was worried. And you know what, like any good small-town police department - they went to the house! Andrew was there and in good health, but completely caught off guard and the police showed up! Everything was fine but Andrew made me feel so bad for calling the cops! He didn't understand how worried I was! I guess he had been at a friends playing video games and his phone was on silent which is why he didn't get my calls. I tried to explain over and over again that I did it because I was worried about his health but he still didn't seem to get it. We ended up getting a big fight that night and both went to bed angry. The next night, he showed up at my house dressed in a suit, carrying 2 dozen roses as an apology for getting so upset. He finally realized that I had only done it because I had been so worried and that he was wrong for getting mad. I like it when he admits he's wrong :)
My husband would now like me to make him carbonaro so to be continued...
Love,
E
Happy Valentines Day
It is way early on Valentines Day. I'm battling this crazy cold and was laying in bed, tossing and turning, listening to my husband snore and thinking about all of the wonderful memories I have of the two of us when I decided to get up and write a very special Valentines Day blog in honor of my awesome, sleeping, snoring husband :)
Here are some of my favorites:
The day we first met I was a sophomore in college and had just transferred to Miami. My ex-boyfriend George and I had made a "lunch date". I lived in Ogden Hall, right above Bell Tower so who knows why but George and I went all the way down to Martin dining hall down by Flower and Hahne. We got our lunches and slid into a booth in the dining hall when George recognized one of his fraternity brothers and decided to call him over to sit with us. It was Andrew, or "Roush" as they used to call him. Andrew and I probably just said "hi" and the three of us sat there in awkward silence over our food for the next 20 minutes. I thought he was cute but he had an air of confidence about him that made me believe he could get any girl he wanted and was probably a bit of a "player" Boy how wrong I was, but more on that later.
I ran in to Andrew a 2nd time that summer at a party my friends Kendra and Nikki were having at their apartment. Somehow, they had invited Michael Bonham, who had invited Brett Taylor and "Roush". At the time, I was "talking" to a guy named Andy and barely even spent any time with "Roush". The party came and went and I didn't think twice about the guy from the party.
Now, skip to the fall of my junior year. As fate would have it, the previous year I had made arrangements to live with Kendra on campus in Gamma Phi's sorority hall. Long story short but sororities at Miami didn't have houses, but the University so graciously *sigh*cough* sets aside a block of dorm rooms for only a sorority and whoever the members chose to live with. So after K's horrible roommate experience the previous year, we had decided it was safer to live together. Late in our sophomore year, Kendra decided that Miami wasn't the place for her and transferred to Sinclair. Therefore, I was left without a roommate and could a.) take my chances of being assigned to a room with a random person the next year or b.) accept the invitation from Angie across the hall to live with her in Ox-commons, seeing as her previous roommate had also changed her mind. So, I was living in Ox commons - 1603 Ox commons maybe? In a one room apartment with Angie, a girl I knew only in passing and who I wll forever remember for her smoking habits, shingles outbreak, and crazy-ass boyfriend who I found passed out on our couch one morning in his tightie whities. Awesome.
I moved in to Miami about a week early because I was helping out with Orientation and needed to be there for transfer orientation (which ironically enough, Kendra and I had skipped when we transfered in haha!) and for this mini refresher orientation they put on for the freshman. I knew my friend Mike was moving in early to his fraternity house and called him one night out of the blue to see what he was doing. He told me that he was at a party at 1604 Ox commons! "No way - that's right next door to me, I'm coming over!" I told him as I invited myself into his night. This was the night I really saw "Roush".
Over the next couple weeks, I'd saunter over to his place whenever I heard a party going on or would wave flirtaously as I walked past and he was standing on the porch smoking a cigarette. I told Mike that I was falling hard for "Roush" and asked that he help coax it along. Sure enough, one night during a party, "Roush" and I ventured over to my apartment where it was a little quieter and we could "talk." Within a few minutes of sitting down on the couch, he romantically leaned over to me and said "I really want to kiss you.....but my mouth is dry" Awesome. Smooth move Romeo. So up I went over to the counter and got him some water. Most girls would have been like "whatever!" and walked out but not me, I got him that water so I could get a kiss. And boy what a kiss it was! He was a good kisser - phew! I would have really regretted the whole water thing if he wasn't. After that, it's all kinda blurry. I remember him telling me he wanted to date and when I asked if he wanted us to date exclusively or not, he said exclusively and my heart melted. Remember earlier when I mentioned how I thought he was a bit of a "player" the first time I met him based on his confidence level alone? Yeah, well I soon came to find out that I was wrong, so so wrong. In fact, I was his first girlfriend! His first kiss! He wasn't that player I initally pegged him to be - he was innocent!
I will always look back on Junior year and smile because of meeting and falling in love with Andrew. Our first real date was dinner at Kona with Amy and her then boyfriend, Allen. I remember our first Valentines day together- he made me dinner and my favorite dessert (tiramusu!) and we watched The Godfather. I remember meeting his parents for the first time and thinking how much his father looked like my HS band director, Wayne. I remember one weekend when all of our roommates had gone home and Oxford was hit with a snowstorm so we were literally snowed in. We made a little path from his apartment to mine and spent the entire weekend sleeping and watching movies. Oh and every Sunday we'd wake up and eat blueberry pancakes while watching Super Troopers. It became "our thing".
To be continued.....
Love,
E
Here are some of my favorites:
The day we first met I was a sophomore in college and had just transferred to Miami. My ex-boyfriend George and I had made a "lunch date". I lived in Ogden Hall, right above Bell Tower so who knows why but George and I went all the way down to Martin dining hall down by Flower and Hahne. We got our lunches and slid into a booth in the dining hall when George recognized one of his fraternity brothers and decided to call him over to sit with us. It was Andrew, or "Roush" as they used to call him. Andrew and I probably just said "hi" and the three of us sat there in awkward silence over our food for the next 20 minutes. I thought he was cute but he had an air of confidence about him that made me believe he could get any girl he wanted and was probably a bit of a "player" Boy how wrong I was, but more on that later.
I ran in to Andrew a 2nd time that summer at a party my friends Kendra and Nikki were having at their apartment. Somehow, they had invited Michael Bonham, who had invited Brett Taylor and "Roush". At the time, I was "talking" to a guy named Andy and barely even spent any time with "Roush". The party came and went and I didn't think twice about the guy from the party.
Now, skip to the fall of my junior year. As fate would have it, the previous year I had made arrangements to live with Kendra on campus in Gamma Phi's sorority hall. Long story short but sororities at Miami didn't have houses, but the University so graciously *sigh*cough* sets aside a block of dorm rooms for only a sorority and whoever the members chose to live with. So after K's horrible roommate experience the previous year, we had decided it was safer to live together. Late in our sophomore year, Kendra decided that Miami wasn't the place for her and transferred to Sinclair. Therefore, I was left without a roommate and could a.) take my chances of being assigned to a room with a random person the next year or b.) accept the invitation from Angie across the hall to live with her in Ox-commons, seeing as her previous roommate had also changed her mind. So, I was living in Ox commons - 1603 Ox commons maybe? In a one room apartment with Angie, a girl I knew only in passing and who I wll forever remember for her smoking habits, shingles outbreak, and crazy-ass boyfriend who I found passed out on our couch one morning in his tightie whities. Awesome.
I moved in to Miami about a week early because I was helping out with Orientation and needed to be there for transfer orientation (which ironically enough, Kendra and I had skipped when we transfered in haha!) and for this mini refresher orientation they put on for the freshman. I knew my friend Mike was moving in early to his fraternity house and called him one night out of the blue to see what he was doing. He told me that he was at a party at 1604 Ox commons! "No way - that's right next door to me, I'm coming over!" I told him as I invited myself into his night. This was the night I really saw "Roush".
Over the next couple weeks, I'd saunter over to his place whenever I heard a party going on or would wave flirtaously as I walked past and he was standing on the porch smoking a cigarette. I told Mike that I was falling hard for "Roush" and asked that he help coax it along. Sure enough, one night during a party, "Roush" and I ventured over to my apartment where it was a little quieter and we could "talk." Within a few minutes of sitting down on the couch, he romantically leaned over to me and said "I really want to kiss you.....but my mouth is dry" Awesome. Smooth move Romeo. So up I went over to the counter and got him some water. Most girls would have been like "whatever!" and walked out but not me, I got him that water so I could get a kiss. And boy what a kiss it was! He was a good kisser - phew! I would have really regretted the whole water thing if he wasn't. After that, it's all kinda blurry. I remember him telling me he wanted to date and when I asked if he wanted us to date exclusively or not, he said exclusively and my heart melted. Remember earlier when I mentioned how I thought he was a bit of a "player" the first time I met him based on his confidence level alone? Yeah, well I soon came to find out that I was wrong, so so wrong. In fact, I was his first girlfriend! His first kiss! He wasn't that player I initally pegged him to be - he was innocent!
I will always look back on Junior year and smile because of meeting and falling in love with Andrew. Our first real date was dinner at Kona with Amy and her then boyfriend, Allen. I remember our first Valentines day together- he made me dinner and my favorite dessert (tiramusu!) and we watched The Godfather. I remember meeting his parents for the first time and thinking how much his father looked like my HS band director, Wayne. I remember one weekend when all of our roommates had gone home and Oxford was hit with a snowstorm so we were literally snowed in. We made a little path from his apartment to mine and spent the entire weekend sleeping and watching movies. Oh and every Sunday we'd wake up and eat blueberry pancakes while watching Super Troopers. It became "our thing".
To be continued.....
Love,
E
Sunday, February 7, 2010
I suck and here's why
I suck at keeping up with this blog. It seems like at the end of the day I barely have enough energy to brush my teeth, let alone come up with an interesting, witty account of my daily activities. Someimtes I feel like I must just be lazy. Thousands of moms do what I do everyday - commute to & from work, work a full day, make dinner, take care of the kids, etc. But they make it look so easy. How come I struggle? How come there are some nights where it takes everything in me to read books and say prayers with my son?
Sometimes I blame it on my craziness. The anxiety, the depression, the ocd. Maybe its the unrealistic expectation I set of myself to be perfect in everything I do. I literally cannot let myself fail. If I come close to failing, my axiety spikes, my brain attacks itself and I shut down.
Most people don't understand mental illness. Its not really taken seriously.
You're depressed? Oh just get over it! Smile! Life is good.
Your nervous? What are you nervous about? Don't be nervous - everything will work out. It will be ok.
Why are you obsessing over this or that? Just get over it already! I'm so sick of hearing about it.
In reality, some of us can't get happy, or get over it. We can't move on.
I'm one of those people. I'm coming out of the closet with this, if you will. I can no longer pretend it doesn't exist. I can no longer brush it under the rug and ignore it. This is more than PPD. This is not a bubble that will burst and life will be sunny again. This is something I will struggle with my entire life.
So in an attempt to deal with this new revelation in an adult-like manner, I plan to whine about it. This blog will now be my outlet. Hopefully by putting my thoughts and feelings out for the world to see I will somehow release a bit of the struggle and maybe even realize I'm not alone or crazy at all.
Wishing you peace and self acceptance.
Love,
E
Sometimes I blame it on my craziness. The anxiety, the depression, the ocd. Maybe its the unrealistic expectation I set of myself to be perfect in everything I do. I literally cannot let myself fail. If I come close to failing, my axiety spikes, my brain attacks itself and I shut down.
Most people don't understand mental illness. Its not really taken seriously.
You're depressed? Oh just get over it! Smile! Life is good.
Your nervous? What are you nervous about? Don't be nervous - everything will work out. It will be ok.
Why are you obsessing over this or that? Just get over it already! I'm so sick of hearing about it.
In reality, some of us can't get happy, or get over it. We can't move on.
I'm one of those people. I'm coming out of the closet with this, if you will. I can no longer pretend it doesn't exist. I can no longer brush it under the rug and ignore it. This is more than PPD. This is not a bubble that will burst and life will be sunny again. This is something I will struggle with my entire life.
So in an attempt to deal with this new revelation in an adult-like manner, I plan to whine about it. This blog will now be my outlet. Hopefully by putting my thoughts and feelings out for the world to see I will somehow release a bit of the struggle and maybe even realize I'm not alone or crazy at all.
Wishing you peace and self acceptance.
Love,
E
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