Saturday, April 24, 2010

Small Victory

I didn't cry at all today. I consider this a small victory.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


Went in for the D&C yesterday. Wasn't sure what to expect but the nurses and doctors at Christ really made an awful situation as comfortable as they could. The procedure was scheduled for 7:45am so we had to be there at 6:15, which means we had to wake up at around 5. I hate early mornings and the only time I ever look forward to getting up that early is when we're leaving for vacation. This experience killed my love of waking up early.

When we got to the hospital, they checked in me, had me change in to a gown and then the nurse asked me tons of questions. You know, the norm - how far along were you, have you had any bleeding, are you a diabetic, etc. etc. They checked my temp and my blood pressure and then the good drugs doctor came in (the anesthesiologist??) and asked me even more questions. The nurse hooked up my IV and put a sea-sick patch behind my ear to help with the anesthesia. Then came the good drugs - the ones that the nurse promised would make me feel like I was on a cruise. Guess what, they didn't make me feel like I was on a cruise but they did make me forget the pain for a few minutes.

They wheeled me in to surgery and covered me with warm blankets and socks and the last thing I remember was telling my OBGYN that the next time around, I was coming in to his office for ultrasounds every week. He agreed and then I was out. I bet he thinks I won't remember his agreement but I'll remember. I'll remember.

The next thing I know, I was slowly waking up in recovery. My mouth was dry, my throat hurt and I wasn't pregnant anymore. We were home by 11am. 5 hours later and we were home. I much prefer my previous visit to Christ where I stayed for days, had my stomach cut open but got to leave with an amazingly beautiful baby boy.

The last 48 hours have been rough. The hospital sent home information on miscarriages and a memory box for anything baby-related. When we were at the hospital, I had to sign paperwork on what I would like done with the ashes of the "baby." the tissue is sent to pathology for testing and then to a local cemetery for cremation. Was this okay or did we want something else done with the ashes? We chose not to keep them - now all I can do is question whether or not that was the right decision. My dr told Andrew that he didnt find much tissue in there during the procedure so this just validated our decision to move forward with the D&C. I don't know what I should believe - was there ever a "baby" or just tissue that didn't form much further? If it was just tissue, I'm okay with the hospital's plan. If there was a "baby" I feel like we need to call and reverse our decision so we can bring the baby with us. Either way, I just wish I didn't have to think about it anymore.

I'm going to go now - bed time is rough so I think I'll take a klonopin and hope it washes my worries away for awhile.

Monday, April 19, 2010

A Loss

We got bad news today. We lost the baby.

My therapist has always said it helps to write, so I decided I needed to write about everything I'm going through... Please forgive me, some of my thoughts may not make sense or sound a bit crazy but its what in my head and right now, I just need to get it out.

My head hurts.
My eyes hurt.
My heart hurts.

I was really ready for another baby. During my pregnancy with Owen, I spent 1/2 my time worrying that I was going to miscarry and everything turned out beautifully with him. This time, I tried to think positive, enjoy the journey, cherish every bout of heartburn and indigestion and enjoy going to bed at 8pm. F*C* THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!This is what I get for being positive!!!!!!!!!!!
All my life, I've been a negative nancy. Maybe not externally, but internally. "this isn't going to work out, don't get your hopes you, you will probably fail" and then when things worked out, I got to be surprised and excited. Not this time, this time I go against my grain and think positive and everything turns to sh*it anyway.

This is my fault. I know everyone says not to think that way and that it isn't my fault, but it is. Here is a list of why its my fault:
1. I am on antidepressants
2. I took tylenol pm
3. I drank diet pop
4. I am selfish
5. I took sudafed.
6. I stopped going to the Catholic church - yes, God punishes.
7. I got ppd and am therefore a horrible mom and don't deserve another child. I should feel lucky that God gave me one in the first place.
8. I quit my job. Secretly, this baby figured we couldn't afford him/her so he/she jumped ship.
9. I'm not a good enough mom.
10. My house isn't clean enough - the baby thought I was a slob and jumped ship so he/she wouldn't have to live in this hole.

I just want this to all be over.

I'm hungry.
My head hurts.
I'm tired.
My eyes hurt.
This sucks.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Oh my....what am I thinking??

OMG - what am I thinking?? What makes me think I have what it takes to be a Stay at Home mom?? What makes me think that this is a good idea??

I have the patience of well.....a pregnant, hormonal woman, and have a 2 1/2 year old who likes to test that patience every chance he can! Right now, he is throwing his slinkly across the family room over his dad's head and proceeding to climb on/over/through said dad (who mind you, is trying to watch The Masters) to get the slinky. He is doing all this with no pants on (well, underwear only) because he just went potty and absolutely refuses to put bottoms on. Opps, dad just got hit in the head with the slinky and the O-man now wants to play horsey.


The Daddy-Guy is my salvation on the weekends. He is the discipliner - the "mean-cop", the potty attendant. Do I have what it takes to take those roles on when I stay home....??

I need to start practicing my best "Wait til your father gets home!!"


Thursday, April 1, 2010

I did it!

So I did it - I quit my job yesterday. Between the pregnancy and my raging anxiety, I had to. I just couldn't give 100% anymore. And right now, my company needs 120% from the person in this role. There is a lot to do and not a lot of time to do it.

My boss was supportive - said she understood and thought the move was "courageous." My teammates were happy for me but upset. Everyone of course wants to know why I'm leaving and where I am going. It's so nice to say "I'm going home." I can't wait to stay at home with my little guy for awhile. He and I can enjoy the summer together and who knows, maybe eventually I'll get fed up with staying home and try something new. That's the beauty of this situation right now - I have OPTIONS.

I am sooooo thankful to all of my family and friends who have spent countless hours listening to me vent, cry, scream, etc. You all are the reason I was brave enough to take this leap!

And I am especially grateful to my amazing hubby. Its hard going from two incomes to one and for a man who enjoys his electronics and has big plans for our financial future, I think this decision has him nervous. But we will be fine!

Plus, I've signed up to be a Dove Chocolate Discoveries Chocolatier. Not sure what that is?? Stay tuned....I am sure I will be writing a lot about this venture on my blog.

I'm also going to start working on my mad candy-making/baking skills. Everyone knows my ultimate goal is to one day own my own bakery so be prepared for lots of pictures of all of my creations and the ups and downs of running my own business!


Wednesday, March 10, 2010


Dear E (circa 2013):
Do not do this again. Do you hear me? DO NOT. In about 3 years when this new little one is an energy-filled toddler running around the house all the time you may, just may, get that "i want a baby" sparkle in your eye.


Wake up woman! NO! DO NOT. If you do, I will commit you - I swear! The exhaustion, the nausea, the increased sense of smell that makes you want to hurl anytime you smell anything food-related - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Adopt. Just don't put yourself through this misery again!

E (circa 2010)

Thursday, March 4, 2010


Yes bloggers, that's right - I am pregnant. I'm due around Halloween and feeling so gross right now.

So since this is my blog and I can do what I want, I'm going to whine about it.

I'm only about 5 weeks along but am already feeling like poo. In fact, I think I have the opposite of morning sickness. All day sickness. Worst in the evening.... Anxiety raging, stomach upset, heartburn like mo-fo, headaches, and tired. I don't remember getting this sick with Owen this early. I remember starting to feel gross around 6-7 weeks maybe....but 5?? This is going to be a really long 9 months. Argh.

Someone remind me why I did this again??