We got bad news today. We lost the baby.
My therapist has always said it helps to write, so I decided I needed to write about everything I'm going through... Please forgive me, some of my thoughts may not make sense or sound a bit crazy but its what in my head and right now, I just need to get it out.
My head hurts.
My eyes hurt.
My heart hurts.
I was really ready for another baby. During my pregnancy with Owen, I spent 1/2 my time worrying that I was going to miscarry and everything turned out beautifully with him. This time, I tried to think positive, enjoy the journey, cherish every bout of heartburn and indigestion and enjoy going to bed at 8pm. F*C* THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!This is what I get for being positive!!!!!!!!!!!
All my life, I've been a negative nancy. Maybe not externally, but internally. "this isn't going to work out, don't get your hopes you, you will probably fail" and then when things worked out, I got to be surprised and excited. Not this time, this time I go against my grain and think positive and everything turns to sh*it anyway.
This is my fault. I know everyone says not to think that way and that it isn't my fault, but it is. Here is a list of why its my fault:
1. I am on antidepressants
2. I took tylenol pm
3. I drank diet pop
4. I am selfish
5. I took sudafed.
6. I stopped going to the Catholic church - yes, God punishes.
7. I got ppd and am therefore a horrible mom and don't deserve another child. I should feel lucky that God gave me one in the first place.
8. I quit my job. Secretly, this baby figured we couldn't afford him/her so he/she jumped ship.
9. I'm not a good enough mom.
10. My house isn't clean enough - the baby thought I was a slob and jumped ship so he/she wouldn't have to live in this hole.
I just want this to all be over.
I'm hungry.
My head hurts.
I'm tired.
My eyes hurt.
This sucks.
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Aw honey. I'm so sorry :( Don't beat yourself up, I know it's easy to feel that way but it's not your fault. Just believe that God has a purpose in everything he does.
ReplyDeleteErin you are a wonderful woman, mom, wife, sister, friend, daughter, cousin, neighbor, stranger, and being. God works in mysterious ways. He didn't punish you for not going to church or being messy and sure as heck not for quitting your job. We will never know why this happened, but we all do know that you are extradordinary. you're my role model and I hope that one day I will be just as amazing as you. I love you big sister.
ReplyDeleteErin, my heart really hurts reading this post. I'm really sorry for your loss and I hope that means you will be trying and prego with me!!! Okay, now I'm the selfish one :-)
ReplyDeleteI really want to help you in anyway I can and if that means buying the bottle of wine and running around with your son for a few hours then I'm game! Had a blast last night, we should do it more often!!!
Love you!