What do I wanna be when I grow up?

How long have we been asking ourselves that question? Since we were like 5 maybe? And how many answers have we all had to that question over the years?

"I wanna be a teacher"
"I wanna be a ballerina"
"I wanna be a policeman"
"I wanna be a business-woman"
"I wanna be a reporter"

Well, I have always had one consistent answer to that question.

I wanna be a mommy.

I've always wanted to be a wife and mother. I couldn't wait to grow up so I could have babies and take care of them. And now I am one. And some days I look at myself in complete awe that I finally got what I wished for.

But lately. Lately, I've been questioning if I am the type of mother I always pictured myself being.

Here's the thing: We only get to do this once. We only get one shot at raising our babies. It's not like we can hit the restart button and try again. This is real. This is important. This is not a dress rehersal.

So I go back and forth. Do I want to quit my job and be a stay at home mommy? Or do I want to continue working and be a working mommy?

If I become a SAHM, then my life would slow down. I wouldn't feel like I was always in a rush to get to the next destination. I could keep the house a lot cleaner, get laundry done faster, feed my family healthier meals. I could take Owen to the park in the spring and to the pool in the summer. We could go for long walks and jump in leaves in the fall or stay inside with hot cocoa and movies in the winter. We could build blanket tents in the family room or play legos in the playroom. I could teach him how to cook and bake and we could have fun painting and reading. I could join a playgroup or take him to the children's museum. Or the aquarium. Or the zoo. Or the library.

But am I the slow down type? I read blogs online like: cjane enjoy it, barefoot in the kitchen, and nienie everyday and just drool over the thought of being able to be like these women.

But I'm me. Am I like them at all?

If I stay a WM, then my life...well...continues on like it is right now. The negatives: I'm always going somewhere, coming from somewhere, or needing to go somewhere. My weekends are all about getting caught up from the week, not spending time with my family. Cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, sleeping. I'm never caught up - I'm always behind. My son sees me for a few minutes in the morning and a couple hours in the evening. The positives: I'm helping people. In HR, I get to make people feel better about their work, explain their benefits, help them get issues resolved. I get to make a difference in their lives. I'm making money. Money that we use to go on vacation, buy new clothes, have nice cars, go out to dinner, etc. I'm teaching my son the value of women in the workplace. I don't want him to grow up thinking a woman's place is in the home. I've always been about women's rights and having men see us as equals and by working and climbing the ladder, I can be the type of woman he can proud to have as his mom. A woman who is hard-working, determined, honest, self-assured. A woman who knows what she wants and doesn't stop until she's satisfied.

But what do I want? What will make me satisfied? What will make me happy?

When I was home with Owen right after he was born, I couldn't wait to go back to work. I needed the adult interaction. I needed the brain activity. I felt like the days crawled by because I couldn't really do anything. Andrew came in the door and I bombarded him with "how was your day, what did you do, here's the baby" Am I going to do that to him everyday if I decided SAHM is the way to go? Will I loose my ability to hold an adult conversation and end up asking everyone if they need to go potty or want some juice?

If I stay a WM, will I regret it? Will I regret the time I would have spent with my son? Watching him grow and helping him become a man? Will I miss out on this precious time in his life and look back wondering "what if?" Will I blame myself one day when he gets in trouble at school because I wasn't there to teach him better? Or will I thank myself because he's outgoing and smart and take the credit because I sent him to the best daycares where he got to interact with kids and start learning at a young age?

*sigh*

What do I wanna be when I grow up?

Love,
E